To my owner,
I feel the need to get a few things off my chest. We’ve had a whole year together now and I want to take some time to review some of our most memorable moments. I am entitling this letter, “My Canine Confessions”.
It was me who ate the entire box of crayons. They just looked so delightfully beautiful. Thanks for renting that carpet-cleaning machine to clean up my mess after I got sick from the toxicity and almost died.
I also ate the whole pan of brownies (every tiny crumb) you made for those 8 ladies that came over to your house. I have heard through the doggy grapevine that chocolate is a big “no no” but apparently it’s fine for me!
About the whole Easter fiasco…yikes. I found the Easter candy hiding in the closet. I got through that first bag of chocolate eggs and really needed some jelly beans to finish the meal. I know you had to go out and get more Easter candy for Wes and his two cousins. It wasn’t that smart of you to put it in the exact same spot I found it prior, because as you know, I found it a second time…and I ate it all again. I’m certainly glad by the time you got home with the 3rd round of candy, you put it up where I couldn’t get to it.
And that expensive pet bed that you got for me, the one you waited on for an entire week to arrive, well…I ripped it all up, bit by bit. I left small pieces of it all over our backyard.
And while we are on the yard, I’m also the one who dug up all the freshly planted annual flowers last spring. Then they all died on the concrete where I left them. Oops.
Oh and remember that one time, (or maybe I should say 6 times) that I ate your “unmentionables”? Thank goodness I threw them all up in the middle of the night so you could dispose of them. Whew. And then we had fun once again with that carpet-cleaning machine. You really like that thing.
And then the last thing I want to mention is about your baby sitter’s money. She was so very nice. She set her money down on the ottoman while the two of you were chatting. I ate it all, yes, all of her baby-sitting money. I left tiny scraps of it on my pet bed as proof. (That is, the second pet bed that you bought me, after I shredded the first one.) But remember that you had more money?… so you just paid her again. Thank goodness for that.
I just wanted you to know all of these things. Despite what you might think, I love you.
But PS. This is why we keep him…